He Died with Testicular Cancer: because he Sincerely Believed that it was a Sin to Masturbate himself; and therefore, his Testicles SWELLED UP until they were as big as a Man’s Fist, which is called “Blue Balls,” in the Underworld. However, no matter what we Tried to tell him, he would still not Masturbate himself, and thereby Relieve himself of that Problem: because he was a very Stubborn Religious Person, even though, in our Opinion, he was Dead Wrong. Nevertheless, there are no doubt many other People who have the same Philosophy, who are headed for the same Disastrous End: because they Misinterpret what they read [reed] in the Bible, which is very Vague about this Subject. In Fact, the Bible does not even mention Masturbation, at all: because it was Understood to be a Natural Thing. Indeed, Moses himself said,
“if any Man’s Seed passes from him, he shall be Unclean until the Evening; and he shall Wash his Clothes with Clean Water, and not come into the Tabernacle of the Congregation for 7 Days.”
Therefore, even Moses Knew that it was going to Happen one way or the other, whether by a Wet Dream, or by Masturbation; and therefore, he did not say to go out and find a Tree to Hang yourself on, until you succumb to Death; but, simply to Wash yourself and your Clothing with Water, and be Unclean for a Week, which also Applied to those People who were Married: because it was also an Unclean Act to have Sex, for which a Man could be Stoned to Death, if he came into the Tabernacle of the Congregation just afterwards, if he did not simply DROP DEAD at the Entrance! Therefore, Moses Strictly Commanded the Men not to come near their Wives before they Presented themselves before the Supreme Ruler: because it would make them Unclean. See Exodus and Leviticus. Therefore, in the Strictest Sense of the Word, it is not a Sin to Masturbate oneself; but, it is a Sin to come into the Congregation just after Masturbating, within less than a Week. Therefore, someone like Earnest would have been better off to Masturbate himself, and not Suffer with the Blue Balls — which was very Painful — than to Die for a False Belief. Indeed, in his Case, he needed to Masturbate himself one or 2 times during each Day, until his Testicles shrunk down to somewhat Normal, as in the Size of a Chicken's Egg; and then do it once a Month or more after that: because he did a Lot of Suffering for an Unjust Cause.
Likewise, many People Suffer with all Kinds of Ailments, just for Believing False Doctrines — such as the Necessity for Eating Bread, Nuts, or even Flesh. Indeed, there is a Tribe of Heathen People who Sincerely Believe that they Need to Eat Human Brains in Order to Ward off Evil Spirits; and therefore, they Suffer with a certain Disease that the rest of the People of the World do not Suffer with.
Likewise, there are Ignorant People who Vainly Imagine that they Need EGGS for Breakfast, and might even DIE without them; but, we Know that no Cow Eats Eggs for Breakfast, and no Horse Eats Hamburgers for Lunch, and yet they Live in the Wilderness in Good Health for many Years. Therefore, it borders on Superstition to think that People Need to Eat Snake Eggs and Frogs, just to be Healthy. Indeed, such Beliefs come from somewhere in the Darkest Jungle, where People have about as much Understanding of the Truth as a Cockroach, or a Chair.